Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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