Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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