6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
