Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
