He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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