Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
