Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
