My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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