Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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