Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
