In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
