I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Houston, we have a squirter
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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