awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
