Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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