This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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