I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
