I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
