I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
