Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
