Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
