6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
