Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
