guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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