omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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