We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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