...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
