Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It's Friday. Sex?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
