I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I enjoy the company of your penis
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
