OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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