Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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