Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
