so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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