I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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