I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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