My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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