I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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