He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
