That reminds me...we need to get swords
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
