I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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