I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
