my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
