I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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