i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
