Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
