What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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