I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
