I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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