I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
