I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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