I faked an abortion last night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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