happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
