Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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