I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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