Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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