i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
