Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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