It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
